In Defense of Rob Thomas

Rob Thomas is playing at Choctaw Casino and Resort in Durant, Oklahoma on Saturday, March 14. But, you already knew that. You screamed, "OH, HELL YES" when you saw the giant billboard on I-75 here in Dallas with his giant Rob Thomas face on it and those intense Rob Thomas eyeballs staring right into your white-blues soul. You went online to buy tickets, and things got even better: this is a Rob Thomas solo tour.

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He's on his own. Left the 19 other Matchboxes in the Matchbox Twenty commune. (It's a magical melancholy island that offers no chairs, only curbs from which to emote. There are endless brick wall backgrounds with really good graffiti on them. They eat pho and workshop a new song wherein Rob feels bad for an aging woman in Hollywood. It's called, "Oh Shit, Are Those Your Lips Now?")

Rob Thomas and Matchbox Twenty have been writing hits for you to secretly jam to when you're alone in your car for decades. From "Bent" ("Can--you help me I'm bent! I'm so scared that ah'll never. Get put back together!") to "How Far We've Come" ("Well AH! Buhlieve! The world! Is comin' to an end. OHWELL. AH Guess. We're gonna find outLET's see how far we've come!").

This time, at Chocktaw, it's Matchbox 1: Just Rob Thomas, his Rob Thomas guitar, his Rob Thomas piano and his fuckin' bad-to-the-bone Rob Thomas voice.

It's going to be intimate.

It's going to be lovely.

The opener is fuck you, there's no opener for Rob Thomas.

You'll be at the concert, and Rob Thomas will finally play "3 a.m." ("Yeah, well she says BAY-BAAAAAY! Well-I-can't help-but-be-scared-of-it-awwwwlll sometimes.") And that's when the pothead who just lost all his money playing video blackjack at the casino really will explain to you the true depth of the song: "The thing is, the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days -- and days. She is always lonely. Always. I'm not sure you're even getting that right now."

Rob Thomas wore necklaces before and after dudes-wearing-necklaces was cool. Rob Thomas has won the Guinness World Record for Looking at You Smolderingly and Kinda Sadly for the longest period of time. (1995. Still fucking going, bitches.)

Rob Thomas can sing a dragon to sleep.

Rob Thomas has never buttoned the top button.

The drunk dude sitting next to you will be singscreaming, "Gimme your heart! Make it real! OR ELSE FORGETMMBADDIT!" periodically, whether or not Rob Thomas is singing "Smooth." It'll be everything you want, plus the Chocktaw Casino water feature Buffalo!! I love me some Rob Thomas. I've been a fan for literally decades. I pretty much think there's nothing he can do wrong.

Most people say that Mad Season was his best work, but, for my money, there's nothing better than when Rob Thomas sings one of his greatest hits: "Mr. Jones." And he has dreads in that video and it's so great.

Everyone was losing their minds over Matchbox Twenty's popular 1994 single, "Hold My Hand," but I thought it was derivative.

But who could forget that harmonica solo he rocks the shit out of in his other famous 1994 hit, "Hook"? He makes you want to learn to play the harmonica so much. The guy is just so unbelievably talented. I wonder when he started playing the harmonica. He's so musical, I bet he just picked it up and started wailing on the thing right off the bat. I hope he tells a long story about harmonica-ing.

I'm still not sure why VH1 bleeped the "doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break" lyric in the1997 Matchbox Twenty hit, "Semi-Charmed Life," but I guess things were just different back then. I hope Rob Thomas talks about it, too.

I can't wait for you to go see Rob Thomas. Please tell me if he ever sings the word "baby" into four syllables or more. The max I've ever heard him do is three. And it was perfection.


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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade